craignixon

He was on the floor, in a pool of blood.

I couldn’t get away from the police that night, I had to win my freedom in a game of Strip Poker with 3 Female Armed Coppers.

I won and collected my dues.

It was 2005, I’d been invited to a party over at The Popes Place, to celebrate him getting his promotion and I’d taken my friend Bexx there.

Obviously I’d phoned Johnny Boy because Bexx has a MASSIVE crush on him.

So we got to the Vatican, had to go through all that “Election” stuff, we all knew Joseph Ratzinger (or RatBoy as I call him) was getting it.

He’d won it earlier that year in a card game from Poly Pengo, the Cardinal of Tanzania.

Well, after a few drinks, Ratzy was on the karoke and Bexx was trying to hump Johns leg.

Feeling upset at the sickening display, I laid John out with one flex from my Huge biceps (or “the Tanks” as I call them), threw him and Bexx over my shoulder, stuck them in the cupboard and left them to it.

Bexx came back, but nobodies seen John since.

Strange, but he was stuck up his own arse anyway

When I slapped him around at the Oscars for the Shit ending ro Being John Malkovich, did he piss his pants once, or twice?

I met leannie a few months ago, she tries to hump my leg every time i see her.
However, she needs the practice so i let her.

I’m kind like that.

Now, one thing you din’t know about her is that though she seems to only be 4ft 11, she can actually transform if she wants into a 17ft tall giant killing Armadillo.

God knows how.

Can only Geese play connect four on your jumper or can i join in two?

So I can find out what happens in the next book and ruin it for all those twats who stand outside the bookstore at 3 am.

So I can slap her about a bit.

Bet she gives good head though.

I was at a party in Lisbon, elite sort of thing, after the MTV Europe Awards in 2005.

Got Invited by Dave Grohl to it cos he couldn’t get any biz-nitches to take, so I got on my phone and hooked us up with some Lay-deez, the skanks for him of course. Arse should get his own women.

Got there, did my usual thing, wooed a few women and had sex in the toilets with Beyonce (Bitch gives good head), when I hear Christina come in and start bitching about “that ginger guy who everyones all over. Bastard probably couldn’t get it up anyway”.

Well, I forgave her being Jealous instantly, most people are of me, but I couldn’t let that sort of romour spread.

So I pushed Beyonce to the floor, went out, said a few choice words, bent her over the washbasin and taught her exactly why I have a ticket system to my bedroom door each night.

I left the party after that for the Suicide Girl party cos it got broing.

Had to give Jay-Z a slap though, nigga was going on about “capping my ass”.

Foo’

Is that when he was 17, he said he went to West Notts College in Mansfield.

Applying for University recently, I found this was a lie.

I went to look around The Taylor Institution Of Modern Languages at Oxford University, thinking I was the big man because I might go here, when I saw a Picture of David holding a bunch of Trophies with the Caption “BEST.STUDENT.EVAIRE” and Davids qoute of “SwinkleMagic is better than you” Just rubbed it in.

Bastard.